i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
