My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
then he tried to convert me to islam
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
