i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
