Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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