you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
