someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
That big chick who gave you the handly polished off one of the walls to the ginger bread house right before she came outside. FYI
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
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