Dub. In the bra. Dub in the bra.
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
