you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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