i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
we've progressed from teabagging to lighting eachothers asses on fire. this cannot be a good path.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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