Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
Would we rather be in rehab with the drug addicts or the girls with low self esteem?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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