so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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