The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
