She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I feel like I missed the land of milk and honey and instead wound up in the land of beer and pizza. And yet, I think I'm happier here.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize
