Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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