sounds like you fell off the wagon.
fuck falling off. at this point, the wagon is a dot on the horizon.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Still riding the magical train of drugs so, yeah, Id say I feel great
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
