You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
