my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
