I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
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