im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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