Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
