i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
my shit smells like andre
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
