if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
Randomize
