i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Randomize
