I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
