drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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