We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Randomize
