My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
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