1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
We made out while a LIT cigarette dangled out of the side of his mouth. Disturbing or slightly erotic?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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