No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
