There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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