Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
