I wanna bring you to show and tell
We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
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