i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Shes from jersey what did you expect her to say when you asked her if she did coke? Its like asking some1 from a third world country if they are hungry
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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