i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Randomize
