I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Randomize
