she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Randomize
