My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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