the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
Randomize
