i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
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