I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
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