just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
