My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Idk what y'all are doing but I just want you to know I'm home and if I hear him say "slap it" one more time I'm moving out
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
