She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Randomize
