I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
God gave him joint rollers for hands
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
He burst in the bathroom while I was peeing to hand me my beer I was looking for earlier tht night. And my pants were already down so I thought why not
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