im drinking this country out of the recession.
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Yeah Greg found him eating out of a tuna can with a pill cap
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
Randomize
