The best revenge is premature balding
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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