It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
