hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
