We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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