Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
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