Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
