I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
