I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
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